I forced myself to read

I thought reading could reduce pressure in my head

So I would be less ignorant

So I would feel less lazy

So I could fulfill my student’s duty

Then I realised that

I spent the whole day forcing myself to read

I spent the whole time trying to battle between reading and getting distracted

I spent the whole time overthinking about my life while reading

I spent more time forcing myself to read than actual reading

The pressure in my head didn’t go away, just rose up.

I forced myself to go outside

I thought having fresh air could make me feel better than locking myself at home screaming

I tried to enjoy the sun so I didn’t feel that my day was useless

Then I realised that

I didn’t know how to get myself properly dressed and be ready quickly before sunset

I didn’t know how to make people outside not think that I looked dumb and weird

I didn’t know how to wear a mask to hide the dizziness I was suffering

I didn’t know how to enjoy beautiful flowers, trees, and nature outside

I didn’t know where to go if there was no appointment for it

I didn’t know if I truly felt better when I went outside

I didn’t know how not to regret when the day got darker and my life became closer to death.

I forced myself to be more healthy

I forced myself to eat whatever I wanted

Then I realised that

I didn’t know how to eat without thinking if it was unhealthy or expensive

I didn’t know how to buy what I wanted to cook without wasting time being confused

I didn’t know how to cook and eat on time so I could focus more on working

I didn’t know how to finish my work before the deadline without having an eating disorder

I forced myself to do yoga by following tutorials on YouTube

I thought I would love myself more and feel better

While sometimes getting disturbed by YouTube ads every 5 minutes, I kept myself calm a little

Then I became more vulnerable when randomly seeing some political shits on Facebook

I wanted to escape myself from Internet, to delete every social network, to throw all digital devices away

So I would never get myself distracted and hate myself anymore

But how could I do this if these assholes are what keep me alive until today?

When I couldn’t force myself to do anything, I forced myself not to force myself

I forced myself to do whatever without thinking about how things will turn out

I tried to do things more slowly without having a burden to work

Then I realised that the lack of money never waits for me to stay relaxed

The lack of qualification never waits for me to feel satisfied

The lack of privilege never allows me to enjoy myself

The lack of freedom never allows me to have self-love without becoming selfish

I thought I could kill myself or try to destroy everything around me

Then I realised that I wasn’t brave enough to deny my responsibility as a human.

…Well, I guess, I have been overthinking so far

Let me force myself not to overthink so I can get me back to life as usual.

Ken wrote this poem very instantly and wasn’t patient enough to edit before clicking the “Publish” button. He would listen to “Cranes in the Sky” by Solange right after he published this poem.