I let him touch me and satisfy us even though it was you two that belonged together. I knew he still had your heart but I had his and I liked it that way. You had the purest intentions and I had the worst most selfish ones. First I blamed it all I blamed it on the past. But he wasn’t a part of that. He is young and he means well. I just needed him once and he should need you. You know him and I don’t even want to.
I used to hate her. I used to hate that witch that made my father cheat on his wife. I thought she was ugly then and now that is all I remember. I hated my father when he smiled at her talked to her and somehow forgot all about my mother. I remember how I swore to myself to never become her. It’s ironic isn’t it?
Now that I have him and you don’t I don’t care anymore. I mean I care that I don’t care but somehow I can’t care enough to change. It is nice you know knowing he found something in me and I didn’t even try I didn’t even ask him to look.
Being her is the safe part. Think about it because of you I know what I got myself into. He cheated for Christ’s Sake. Knowing who he is and what he does I’m safe and you’re not. I guess by using him and using you I’m making sure to never feel the pain that my mother went through. Again.
Johanna was listening to “Slow Up” by Jacob Banks while writing this piece.