I let him touch me and satisfy us even though it was you two that belonged together. I knew he still had your heart but I had his and I liked it that way. You had the purest intentions and I had the worst most selfish ones. First I blamed it all I blamed it on the past. But he wasn’t a part of that. He is young and he means well. I just needed him once and he should need you. You know him and I don’t even want to.

I used to hate her. I used to hate that witch that made my father cheat on his wife. I thought she was ugly then and now that is all I remember. I hated my father when he smiled at her talked to her and somehow forgot all about my mother. I remember how I swore to myself to never become her. It’s ironic isn’t it?

Now that I have him and you don’t I don’t care anymore. I mean I care that I don’t care but somehow I can’t care enough to change. It is nice you know knowing he found something in me and I didn’t even try I didn’t even ask him to look.

Being her is the safe part. Think about it because of you I know what I got myself into. He cheated for Christ’s Sake. Knowing who he is and what he does I’m safe and you’re not. I guess by using him and using you I’m making sure to never feel the pain that my mother went through. Again.

-Johanna

Johanna was listening to “Slow Up” by Jacob Banks while writing this piece.