Being brave enough to jump and regretting it immediately while you fall.
You´re trying to stop and reaching out for the rope.
Then the movement comes to a halt in limbo.
It´s a generally a back and forth, but then: nothing.
What do I actually want? Everything, but only a bit of everything.
I am afraid of losing and feeling the fear of true happiness
If I´d close my eyes right now and let all my feelings flow,
The danger of being in pain after opening my eyes is just too great.
So I only blink – What do people always say? – Find a compromise.
But my desire for true feelings is there. Adventurousness is stronger than reasoning.
Well, that´s at least what I keep saying to myself.
Remember that: Stay focused. Be the master of the situation. And remain.
Let´s taste the good and digest the tried and tested or –
As a proper tasting should be – spit it out before you swallow.
Seek the distance and throw yourself in the arms of safety.
What an effective Action that is . Wanting to experience everything, but with the smallest investment.
“Excuse me, could you tell me how long the return policy is valid for this?”
The safety purchase just seems illogical.
Offers like “as long as stock lasts” – not very tempting.
People say: live and experience now… and maybe tomorrow as well.
We desperately need a contract for our own freedom.
But the small print reveals that it can be changed or cancelled at any time.
The contract partner has to follow all the agreements.
Then, both parties sign the papers with a wink- satisfaction.
I have no obligations.
This is the compromise of freedom. – Congratulations!
Back to the jump: What do I actually want?
Instead of finding an answer, I chose to go on a journey, just as a temporary solution.
All the thoughtful dreams I have…
A little emotional break will surely make me brave again.
All my fears are packed up and in bags: Let´s go!
We´re walking with the pursuit of happiness, towards an unknown finish line.
It feels good to flee from the ordinary life.
I want to switch of my head and give my actions more meaning than my words.
But after the journey my package isn´t any smaller,
Only some additional sand hidden in my bag pack.
Now that I´m back and nothing has changed, the jump seems even one step further away.
I want the old and easy contract back.
The longing after quietness, tidiness and stability.
Having all these possibilities just seems too overwhelming.
I scream for balance and counterpoise. But this is followed by fear.
We´re afraid of standing still, missing out, fast decisions, being free and spontaneous.
It´s exactly that, what we´re afraid of, what we desire.
Quietness makes us feel unsettled.
And so I´m moving back and forth on my chair.
I let my legs swing through the air and move my shoulders unnoticed up to my ears.
I take a deep breath, another attempt:
And again, I just blink and don´t jump.
Laura was listening to Sober by Mahalia while writing this poem.