Sign of the Month – Saggitarius: Crows will follow you everywhere. Carry an umbrella.
Aries: Your heart stops beating but you continue on living your sad, lonely life.
Taurus: This month you’ve got a good reason to gain shapeshifting abilities.
Gemini: Every item in your pantry, refrigerator and cabinets will be replaced by chocolate bars- all well past their expiration dates.
Cancer: No matter what you try, you cannot get rid of those twenty, ever-watchful spiders that inhabit your room.
Leo: You are bound to spend inordinate amounts of money on peanuts.
Virgo: Watch out for the orange BMW lurking around your neighborhood.
Libra: A gaggle of giggling girls gathers gushingly in your garden.
Scorpio: Y frgt hw t s vwls.
Capricorn: You expand to the size of a googolplex, thus replacing our entire universe.
Aquarius: Poseidon pays a visit and reclaims your pet fish. If you don’t have a fish, he settles for taking your significant other.
Pisces: A close friend unexpectedly turns into a mermaid and moves into your bathtub. Keep fish or live men in stock, in case she gets hungry.
By Britta Stuhl and Camila Otalora
Britta and Camila were listening to the dulcet beats of Casper’s ‘Wilson Gonzales’