You need:
For the patties:
1 zucchini
2 carrots
Rolled oats
2 tbsp. soy flour
Salt & pepper, additional spices if you’re feeling adventurous
Neutral vegetable oil

For the dip:
Soy yoghurt (make sure to get unsweetened yoghurt, that is, whatever you do, don’t use Alpro’s soy yoghurt!)
Salt, pepper, herbs…

First off: Put on some good music. This is crucial for successful cooking and needs to be done under all circumstances!
Wash the zucchini, peel the carrots and grate them. Before you mix carrots and zucchini you grate and squeeze the zucchini to get rid of all the water (unlike me when I first tried this…).

Now it’s time for a little magic: Making vegan ‘eggs’! Mix two tbsp. soy flour with 4 tbsp. water. Say the magic spell ‘What am I even doing here?!’ Congrats, you’ve successfully mastered this piece of legerdemain; you may now consider yourself a magical fairy!

Mix in rolled oats (roughly two cups, depending on how much water was in the zucchini you might need more), season and set aside to let the oats soak for 15-20 minutes.

In the meantime you can mix the yoghurt with salt, pepper and whatever herbs you can unearth in your kitchen cabinet, fridge or (this would be the preferred option) on your window sill (assuming you don’t have a nice backyard with a garden. If you do, shut up).

Form patties about the size of a palm of a hand, heat a frying pan, pour in a lot of oil and fry the patties. Make sure to take the patties out of the pan before they turn completely black. Feel free to arrange them on your plate with more skill than I did and create beautiful patterns using the dip. Or just wolf them down straight away.

Being the professional vegan chef that I am, I only started thinking about alternatives after I ate all of the patties. You could swap the oats with flour. Also you could add vegan cheese (Yes, there is vegan cheese. Believe me, I’ve seen it. Once, a long time ago).

While cooking this Sina was listening to Unicorn Steak by Die Mannequin.